Tuesday, 1 January 2019

Dear Father.

Dear Father,

Deep down in my mind and heart, I feel a big sense of guilt to you. I am so sorry for the lost years of our relationship. I am sorry for not being there when time aged you up day by day. You always said it was fine but I do know how much you missed me and those good times that we shared together. 

It breaks my heart so much knowing that I was not there to accompany you to do your monthly check up in hospital or to do your gatherings or simply to have dinner together or just listen to some music. 

Sorry for being selfish so I had to continue my study out of town. My dream is our dream. To have a better future for our family. To be able to free our family for our long time debts. To be able to take you to some vacations that we never had before. To make you secure. 

Although it actually cost us greatly. I know that although this residency is tiring with its problems, night shifts, dramas and work loads, it cost nothing compared to your sacrifices. During my school periods, I will not be there to take care of you, I will not be punctually support our financial expenses, and I will not be there to seize our moment in this life. 

I always pray that God will grant us more time to be together. I wish I will finished this step to be able to go home to you again. I will always be praying for your health and I am thanking you for your patience to wait for me to be home. 



Love always,
your son. 

2019.

Dear friends,



Here we are again at the beginning of a whole new year. I never liked new year occasion but as a powerless human being, we have no capacity but to accept it wholeheartedly. The choice is depend to us; to accept it positively or negatively.

To be honest, during these past years I spent my life in dull and negative vibes. I used to be a very positive person. Friendly to others yet reserved to my own. In short, I had my own balanced life. I was born not from an okay family. I was a product of a broken marriage, raised in a neurotic environment, struggled with financial issues to cover up my education, had to work in some places, and so on. But along those years, I managed to struggle and somehow survived. 

I was not psychologically okay but I had step up to a state which I called personal freedom and satisfaction. I was happy and always found so much positivity in my days. I was able to grow as a happy person despite my broken childhood and teenager's phase. 

The problem is, now I was not a person that I used to be. To be honest, I was now, believe it or not, a self-diagnosed neurotic, self harm and suicidal human being.

These past years have been another challenge for me. One night I woke up and think myself as a character in a video game and wonder maybe this is the test for level up. In the past, I had managed to deal with my own self but now I found another problems in my circle of person. I have relationship issues with others: family, friends, lover, colleagues, works, school, and else. 

I was depressed. It's like the house that I've built for my own inner peace had torn apart because of them. I feel all those patience that I've learned had already taken away from me. I feel hopeless. I just want to be a good and happy person but day by day, the hope is a mile away from me. 

In this new year's first day, I think about it carefully and maybe will stop blaming others for my shit. This year might be a battle for me. A battle to redefine where will my life roots. If I loose, maybe this will be the end since I guess I'll be trapped in the current me, the unhappy me. This year, I collected all the positivity and hopes to convince my self that this year will get better: to be me again, to be reborn as a positive person, to be able to love other human beings, and to be healthy both physically and mentally so I will not have those suicidal thoughts again. 

So here I am steppin into 2019.

Dear 2019,
I welcome you wholeheartedly. 

Ps. If anyone of you reading this, I won't discuss the thing with you because this is a matter of my own self and I. Anw, happy new year.  

Wednesday, 26 December 2018

Those freakin gloomy days (again)

Whoa, we are at the edge of 2018.
Shit! Again and again time is eating me up like a raw flesh.

I always feel terrified about leaving the current year because I feel betraying myself and let him down. O dear time. Please have mercy on me

Tuesday, 18 December 2018

18(5)



Dalam bukunya yang berjudul Muhammad: Lelaki Penggengam Hujan, Tasaro GK menulis definisi tentang cinta yang menurut gue lumayan tepat. Kutipannya seperti ini:

“...mencintai itu, kadang mengumpulkan segala tabiat menyebalkan dari seseorang yang engkau cintai, memakinya, merasa tak sanggup lagi menjadi yang terbaik untuk dirinya, dan berpikir tak ada lagi jalan kembali, tapi tetap saja engkau tak sanggup benar-benar meninggalkannya.”
Kalau dipikir ulang, yang namanya cinta ya demikian. Kalau hanya sekadar mencintai saat senang, bahagia, apalagi euforik, tidak perlu butuh cinta. Semua orang bisa menjalaninya. Namun, kalau saat sedih, depresi, atau distres, tidak semua orang mampu bertahan pada seseorang yang pernah dipilihnya.

Gue tau pacarku benar-benar cinta sama gue karena kami sudah melewati masa sedih, depresi, dan distres itu bersama-sama. Banyak waktu dimana dia telah menjadi mood boster-ku, tapi ada juga masa dimana dia jadi mood destroyer-ku, begitu juga sikap gue kepada dia.

Melewati semua ketidaksempurnaan kami berdua sebagai manusia, melewati beberapa umpatan, dan menerima beberapa sikap-sikap menjengkelkan kami masing-masing, gue rasa kami paham bahwa ini benar-benar cinta karena satu hal, yakni karena kami berdua masih sama-sama bertahan.

Masih mencoba untuk menyenangkan satu sama lain.
Masih mencoba menyemangati cita-cita masing-masing.
Sambil menerima kejengkelan yang pasti ada.
Karena sama seperti saat kita menerima suatu hal, kita tidak hanya menerima sisi baik dari hal tersebut, tapi juga sisi lemahnya. Apalagi dalam hal manusia.

Ketika gue bilang sayang sama dia,
maka gue berarti menerima hal-hal yang ada dalam dirinya.
Baik dan buruknya. Soalnya, pada akhirnya tetap saja engkau tak sanggup benar-benar meninggalkannya.

Makanya, kami tetap bertahan.
Sampai hari ini, di hari ulang tahunnya dan hari jadi kami yang kelima.
Semoga sampai esok, lusa, tulat, tubin, dan istilah untuk esoknya lagi.



Selamat ulang tahun.
Aku sayang kamu. 

Monday, 10 December 2018

Lelaki Harimau

Sejak memasuki tahap madya dan senior di pendidikan spesialis, akhirnya gue mulai bisa membaca buku cerita lagi, walaupun harus hati-hati banget karena kalau keasyikan malah nanti buku pelajarannya terbengkalai, padahal tugas baca juga makin tinggi. 

Lelaki Harimau - Eka Kurniawan

Minggu lalu, gue berhasil menyelesaikan salah satu buku dari Eka Kurniawan, penulis yang namanya sedang naik daun banget. Bukunya berjudul Lelaki Harimau. Konon buku ini sudah diterjemahkan ke beberapa bahasa dan mendapat apresiasi yang baik. Awalnya selain karena nama penulisnya (gue sudah punya semua buku Eka Kurniawan, kecuali yang paling hits itu: cinta itu luka), gue juga beli buku ini karena hubungan gue yang sangat baik dengan buku berjudul mirip dari Mochtar Lubis yakni Harimau Harimau. 

Namun, kalau di buku Harimau Harimau tidak ada harimau di tubuh tokohnya, kali ini ternyata beneran ada. Entah sebagai metafora atau benar-benar. Buku ini hanya memiliki lima bab dengan tiap bab menceritakan periode kisah masing-masing yang semuanya membentuk keseluruhan cerita dan jawaban dari kejadian yang terdapat di awal bab dan juga di halaman resensi buku. 

Kisahnya berikut:
Pada lanskap yang sureal, Margio adalah bocah yang menggiring babi ke dalam perangkap. Namun di sore ketika seharusnya rehat menanti musim perburuan, ia terperosok dalam tragedi paling brutal. Di balik motif-motif yang berhamburan, antara cinta dan pengkhianatan, rasa takut dan berahi, bunga dan darah, ia menyangkal dengan tandas. "Bukan aku yang melakukannya," ia berkata, "Ada harimau di dalam tubuhku."

Menurut gue ceritanya bagus. Gue pernah coba baca buku Eka yang lain kecuali Cinta itu Luka. Menurut gue, buku ini memang yang paling mengalir bahasanya dan ceritanya jelas terbentuk dari awal; menarik juga karena pertanyaan tentang kenapa Margio bisa membunuh Anwar Sadat dengan cara menerkam sudah digadang-gadang dari awal mula buku. 

Secara keseluruhan, gue suka buku ini karena mampu menjelaskan isi pikiran dan perasaan dari tiap-tiap tokoh yang ada. Oh ya, untuk yang belum suka baca, buku ini juga punya cerita mengalir dan halamannya tidak masif, sehingga bisa untuk coba dibaca. Sila coba membaca! :)


Dear Father.

Dear Father, Deep down in my mind and heart, I feel a big sense of guilt to you. I am so sorry for the lost years of our relationship. ...