Colorless.

There's madness in everyone. Some are just sleeping underneath.
Those with deepest sleep creates biggest volcanoes.

Manchester by The Sea

Definitely one of the greatest drama movie I have ever seen. A great story filled with emotions that brought me up and down. Affleck was acting great, no wonder he received the Oscar for this role. 

So long, Partner.

Well, another passed-away friend this week.

Although currently we were not so closed like we used to be,

still, it hurts. 

It hurts because although we were never seen each others again for years,

people are eternal. So are my friends. They will always live in a protective shelter called: memories.

I will still remember how my friend Dilla put salt on my cup of tea and how she liked my exercise book so much. 

I will always remember Fatur, my friend who used to always wait for me to get home together on our university bus one-hour daily trip. 

and now there was Febi, a crazy extrovert human being who spread all energies to his all surrounding with his jokes and his annoying laughter. 

Well, no matter how I never ever met them again before, I guess they will always live inside my mind. All I need is some occasions like songs, movies, or random thoughts to instantly bring those memories about them again. 

People are eternal. 

Happy passed away, my friends. 

I will be missing you. 

Diantara Kemoterapi

Selamat Malam, Februari.

Entah kenapa sudah dua minggu terakhir ini, sore di Yogyakarta selalu diisi oleh hujan yang lumayan deras. Yap, hujannya selalu mulai di sore hari sekitar pukul empat dan berlangsung sampai sekitar pukul sepuluh. Kalau begini, jadinya kalau pulang ke kost harus hujan-hujanan, ya tapi kalau disuruh milih antara hujan pagi dan hujan sore, mungkin hujan sore aja karena kalau hujannya pagi, ke rumah sakitnya jadi repot hehe.

Ngomong-ngomong, gue lagi tugas di Bangsal Kanker Anak bulan ini. Tugas di bagian ini lumayan berat karena pasiennya cukup banyak, program pasiennya juga lumayan ribet, dan banyak kerjaan administratif yang harus ditulis-tulis. Saya dan teman kerja saya jadi harus berangkat pagi-pagi sekali.

Sesungguhnya, selama tugas di bagian ini, waktu untuk belajar dan membaca lebih berkurang karena sehari-hari sibuk dengan masalah administratif pasien. Menulis, menulis, dan menulis surat ini dan itu. Berangkat gelap dan pulang gelap bikin rasanya ingin cepat istirahat aja kalau sudah sampai kamar. Namun, walau begitu, disini belajar banyak tentang kehidupan sih.

Walaupun banyak penyakit kanker anak yang bisa diobati, lumayan banyak juga yang harus menderita bahkan meninggal karenanya. Kebayang ga sih, kalau seorang anak kecil usia 5 tahun harus menahan rasa nyeri akan kankernya? Atau coba bayangkan anak usia 17 tahun yang kakinya harus diopearasi? Padahal ia sendiri dulu adalah kapten futsal? Ada juga pasienku yang usianya baru tiga tahun tapi ga punya mata lagi karena kedua bola matanya terkena kanker.

Tidak semua dokter punya kemampuan berhadapan dengan kondisi psikologis pasien yang demikian. Salah bicara sedikit, orang tua bisa langsung menangis bahkan pingsan. Ya disini saya jadinya belajar juga bagaimana untuk memberitakan kabar buruk untuk keluarga pasien.

Hal lain yang buat gue belajar adalah senyum mereka. Gue punya banyak banget pasien yang punya senyum lebih indah daripada senyum artis secantik apapun. Dengan rambutnya yang botak cenderung jarang-jarang, mereka bisa senyum dan bercanda-canda diatas penyakitnya. Yang gue lihat dari mereka adalah mereka punya kekuatan untuk menerima nasib mereka sambil berjuang untuk perlahan-lahan terlepas dari kanker.

Sentimental, tapi gue beneran sayang banget sama mereka. Semoga Tuhan selalu memberi berkah yang berlimpah dibalik kanker yang dialami. Bulan ini, gue akan berjalan dengan mereka untuk setidaknya mencoba membantu dan membuat mereka lebih nyaman selama menjalani pengobatan. Sampai jumpa esok hari.

2017

When I said I want to live peacefully. I mean it. I do really mean and try to achieve it especially in this 2017.

The world is full of good people. I want to be like them and dance among them. Happiness is in our air. I want to breath them. Inhale then exhale it with happier feeling than before. On some occasion, I would also accept the moments of sadness and sorrow wholeheartedly because these moments make us a complete human being. 

I am going to study passionately and went home gladly. I want to read good books until sleepiness took over my eyes. I want to listen to good songs until sleepiness took over my ears. I am going to sleep with ultimate calmness and see the exciting dream within it and wake up with phospene which is beautiful. 

I will go out more frequently with family and those good people of mine and laugh out loud again and again. I will see more strangers and turn them to friends. I want to store some memories on their mind as they store theirs in mine.

When my introversion needs time, I will give myself a space and time of its own. I will go to the brownish cafe to see the pouring rain by the window. I will go travel by train to nearby town. I will pack my bags and fly to places I have never been and see how people there do their everyday life.

But the world is also filled with people who like to do the opposite of happiness. Those who hate others by their personal reason. I have a chance to defend myself or to epxlain to them about my point of view. But as I previously said that I want to live peacefully so I will explain them my point of view only if it is needed.

If any people try to bring me down, I will thank them and take lesson from it.Then I will dive among it smilingly and jump upon it and let them busy with their negativity.

I will eat with good responsibility because health is one of our biggest investation. Do some personal exercise to turn the endorphins out and decrease the stress level. In some day I will run with pride but in other day I will meditate with humility. Meditation brings us a pure sense of happiness and a clear state of mind.

I will write a letter to my family, lover, friends, favorite authors, and especially to myself. I will write a journal to keep the memories of my life not vanishing. I will thanking God for the good moments and thanking God also for the unfortunate moments. I will hug them all as a uncomplete pieces of my puzzles.

Dear, 20-17: Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening.