Jurnal

Manusia pasti berubah. 
Bukan, ini bukan mengenai perubahan-perubahan fisik yang kita alami, tapi mengenai kepribadian kita yang entah lambat laun dan sedikit banyak mungkin berubah. Namun tampaknya, kebanyakan dari kita lebih menyadari perubahan yang terjadi pada orang lain dan dunia sekitar kita dan mengalpakan perubahan-perubahan yang terjadi pada diri kita sendiri.

Bukan karena kita yang tak peduli, tapi karena perubahan yang kita alami sendiri biasanya berjalan sangat perlahan seiring waktu. Sedikit demi sedikit hingga setelah jauh berjalan baru kita tersadar bahwa kita telah berubah, atau bisa juga baru tersadar setelah ada orang yang berkata “Lo beda banget!” atau “beda banget sama yang dulu”.

Iya, bukan? Biasanya orang lain yang pertama kali merasakan perubahan-perubahan dari diri kita.

Nah, inilah guna catatan pribadi. Boleh kau sebut itu diary, jurnal, atau apalah itu intinya. Kita (atau setidaknya saya) akan terkesan mengenai perubahan-perubahan yang kita sendiri alami. Membaca tulisan yang kau tulis dengan tanganmu sendiri sekitar bertahun-tahun lalu menyadarkan saya bahwa betul adanya manusia itu berubah.

Membaca tulisan-tulisan yang saya tulis beberapa tahun lalu menyadarkan betapa pola pikir saya dalam melihat suatu keadaan telah berubah. Rasanya seperti membaca kisah hidup orang lain. Seperti tulisan yang ditulis itu bukan tulisan saya. Asing. Betapa kita telah berubah dan lambat laun tak mengenal lagi diri kita yang dulu.

Membaca jurnal masa lalu pribadi kita itu rasanya…ajaib. Bukan soal kekanakan atau seperti perempuan bila kita menulis jurnal, tapi soal catatan hidup tempat kita melihat sejenak ke belakang untuk memutar memori-meori hidup yang telah lalu.

Oleh karena setumpul-tumpulnya pensil, sepudar-pudarnya tinta, dan seusang-usangnya kertas, lebih baik daripada setajam-tajamnya ingatan.

Guilt

There were times when I went home late at night because of  work, night shift, or doing some other things. The lamp of the house turned off already. Suddenly that feeling came in. A feeling that tasted like a hole in my chest. It was a solitude melodrama that suddenly surrounded me.

I saw my father already slept as well as my mother. I feel sad. Sad because the time that I spent outside by sacrificing the time with my family. I feel guilty. A deep guilt.

I feel such a terrible only child. I deeply knew that on their 60’s years of life, they would really love to have more time with me. How I finally believe that the most expensive thing on this world is time.

I’m really sorry, Mom, Dad. I wish that I could spend more times with you. I really mean it.  I will try to give you more time to spend together. I love you.

A Story of Abang None Jakarta Barat

I wrote my 2013 resolutions on a paper and one of them is ‘Winning ANT’ (Abang None Timur). One year ago, I didn’t win that ANT, but Alhamdulilah, I won Abang None Jakarta Barat 2013 and it was a wonderful experience.

West Jakarta is a region that I knew least about. It also located so far from my home at central region. I really forget why I chose West Jakarta. I never sure what the reason is, what I remember is I just choose.

I saw many good people on technical meeting of the competition and feel depressed and lack of confidence. I remember an awkward moment when an Abang named Daymas (who later become my good friend) noticed that my new shoes still got its price tag on it, shame on me.

I faced the preliminary selection that consist of public speaking, focus group discussion, and semifinal that finally brought me to meet seven judges. I always look as I prepared although deep down I feel a huge shy and doubt. After finished all the selection process, I spent the night at 9-10 at night on my best friend Ilham’s apartment with Fahri also. I was waiting for a call that determined my fate on that competition.

They told us that we were going to be called at 8 o, so I thought I was not being selected as one of 15 finalists. But then an unknown number appeared on my phone and it was Non Affi’s voice (she has that unique voice), she told me that I’ve made it into the top 15. I was asking again to make sure to her and she said “Astaghfiruulah, Bang. Beneran!”, then I thanked her.

My friend and I were making many high fives, congratulate me, and wishing me the most of luck.

The Quarantine

At the first day of quarantine, I met other 29 person. They are no ordinary person and came from different background. That day, they chose the head of the groups. I wasn’t a person with leadership virtue, so I never intended to ask for that position. It was Daymas Arangga and Fathanissa that being chosen as the leaders. Then they matched one Abang and one None as a partner. Mine was Fathanisa Isnani, the only veiled none in my year. She has a degree on communication studies and pursuing a title on psychology. She is an awesome person. I’ll tell later on different post.

Day by day of quarantine was a struggle. I guess I was the only person who went by TransJakarta Bus where It took 1.5 hours (without traffic) or 2 hours more (with traffic) to get from my house to Kembangan, West Jakarta. It was usually start on 8 (sometimes from 10 in the morning) to 11 or 12 at night. So, Yes, to me it was a super tiring moths. It was also a pocket draining to pay taxi if there were no more bus at night. I also lost some weight and having series of common cold. Anesya Anggun, the senior in charge, called me sick doctor since I was frequently got sick.

But besides of all tiring things, It was a super fun experiences. Seeing so many great people with their own talent and ability, their bright faces, and the way they respond to things, somehow made me realize that I need to learn more about more things.

I am a naturally born as an Introvert, and most of them are extrovert or at least an ambivert. This thing sometimes depressed me and depressed the senior also. At first I acted out to be some sort of extrovert, but yeah, I cannot lie more. My seniors and judges also told me that I was too silent. Silent. They asked me why I didn’t ask many question or said some opinion. I answered honestly I didn’t ask because there’s nothing to ask about. And they said you have to because it was for the sake of your existence.

There, on the quarantine of Abang None Jakarta Barat, I get to know better of myself. That I can pushed myself to be a better person. I’m never sure about singing, but there in abnonbarat, they asked me to do so, then they told me I was singing fairly good so I ended up singing on the stage of familiarity night. On the question&answer exercise, I tried to answer the question in Spanish, and it was good. I never know I actually could speak Spanish actively. So, Yes, at some point, I pushed my limit to be a better person.

The Final

On the finale night, we did dancing, walking, question&answering session, and so on. I didn’t tell much people about this competition. Only my parents and three of my best friends came to the night. Well, Alhamdulilah, at last, I won the title. It was a huge happiness to me. And it was a burden to me also. But it was God’s fate. I am thanking You, God, Allah SWT.

Being a part of Abang None Jakarta Barat and Abang None Jakarta is one of the most wonderful experience of my life. It gave me experience to meet lots of people, a great one. I am so proud to know these people. Thank You.

I am personally invite you to join Abang None Jakarta Barat because the things that you'll get is beyond money, presents, or simply title. It is a lot more beyond that.